A strange feeling washed over me. After months of battling the cancer that had ravaged my body, I had finally found a moment free from pain and from the nausea of the treatments. There was no weariness and no fear. It took me a second to realize that I was no longer in my hospital bed and slowly a bright light filled my head.
“I’m dead,” I said quietly to myself. I was in awe of the weight of those two words. I had prepared myself for this eventuality for almost a year, but this reality was still shocking. Only the grandness of my surroundings minimized the comprehension of my mortal death. As fearful as I was of the truth of my demise, it all didn’t seem that important anymore. Being presented with eternity in all of its magnificence made the 82 years of my life seem almost insignificant in comparison. As I tried to take in my surroundings, I realized that I was literally incapable of describing it. For the first time in my life, I finally understood the true definition of the word awesome.
I made my way towards a platform where two beings seemed to be waiting for me. As I came within ear shot, my mind was filled with thoughts and visions rather than with words. It was as if the voice in my head all of a sudden went into overdrive. I understood exactly who they were and what they wanted from me. I was there to face the judgment of God. At that moment, the realization of the entirety of my life came crushing down. It was time for an accounting. The wrath of God was pointed towards me.
Before me stood the Father and to His right stood the Son. I stood before them in awe, unable to completely grasp the reality of what I was experiencing. Then God opened His mouth and before I knew what was happening, my knees hit the ground. My life was exposed before me. Every second of every day rushed into my mind and the sins that I had thought were laid to rest and hidden were laid bare. Every depravity and every crime was shown into the light.
I knew in an instant that I was not a good person. I knew that all of my good works meant for nothing in the eyes of a wholly righteous God. Just when I thought that it would relent another barrage of sins and crimes came flooding into my mind and it would not stop. They kept coming and coming and I kept screaming and screaming and crying and crying. How could I have done all of those things? How could I be so wretched? How could God be so perfect? Why wasn’t I in hell?
There was no doubt in my mind that an eternity in everlasting torment was not only due to me, but I myself begged for it. The part of my soul that understood justice understood that I didn’t deserve being in the presence of God. I cried out to the Lord for Him to cast me into hell for all of my willful sins. I cried out for the righteous judgment of God to be met upon me. I knew with such clarity at my wickedness that I knew that I was beyond redemption. In an eye blink it was over and there I was, sobbing uncontrollably, with the understanding that I stood condemned and fully deserving of whatever judgment that I got.
Through the tears and sobs I stood before Them. God looked at me with wrath and holy judgment in His eyes and I knew what the right punishment should be. I stood there, waiting for His just penalty, as His hand rose up with sadness in His eyes. I knew that it was my fault and that anything done to me was not only right but also righteous. As God’s finger stopped moving I realized that it was not pointed at me, but at Jesus. With horror in my mind, I realized what was about to happen. I realized what must happen for God’s judgment to be fulfilled. A scream of pure terror erupted from my mouth, “NO!”
In that instant I was thrust onto a lonely hillside in the desert. I looked at Jesus, who had just been nailed to a cross. I saw the jagged tears in His body from the scourging and the blood running down into His eyes from the crown of thorns. I saw the anguish as the day’s torment and the weight of what He had to do was etched on His face. Then our eyes met.
And again my sins came flooding back but instead of ravaging my mind again they were thrust into my Lord. All of the horrible things that I did, all of the sins both big and small were placed upon Jesus and the pain that I experienced from looking into His eyes made what I experienced before feel like paradise. The sobs He was crying and the pain He was feeling was because of me. I wish I could tell you that it was quick and that I only had to experience it for a short time, but as Christ bore my sins and the punishment that I deserved, I was forced to see what that penalty was. The shame and sadness that I felt is beyond recounting.
Then I was back and the look on God’s face was no longer that of wrath. It was as a Father looking at His perfect son. No longer was I under judgment for the sins I had committed. The blood of Christ had justified me. Though I had loved God for the vast majority of my life I finally knew the breadth of how much God loved me back.
All I heard in that moment was a simple sentence that echoed in my soul. “You are my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.”
This is a fictional portrayal of how meeting God and facing judgment might look like for someone who has faith in Jesus Christ.
